# electric fence



## flyfisher117 (Jun 29, 2009)

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months

ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire

city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence

and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made

for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and

drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the

more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big

wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower

around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the

way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right

hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind

the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of

an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my ears curled downwards and I could feel the

lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time

that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.

I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower

were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg

to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied

3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind

of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned

back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like

there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together.

It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto

the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I

can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric

fences. But Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by

International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda

tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now

accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river

bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man

up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a

loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in

it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh

God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the

rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller

cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,

standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take

me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in

the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside

me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and

then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was

on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure

and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt

cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad

as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a son of a gun now. Seriously! I think our

little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because

it was better than new after that.

7 - My boys are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of

the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to

make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I

can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT

gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to

triple check before I mow


----------



## wyogoob (Sep 7, 2007)

I read 500 words, about half of the joke. I would be on overtime if I read the rest. :lol:


----------



## Al Hansen (Sep 7, 2007)

**** it man. Don't do that. I laughted till............ never mind. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## mikevanwilder (Nov 11, 2008)

Crap #8 about made me poop pee and vomit. That is hilarious! -_O- -_O- -_O- -_O-


----------

