# How to poop at work



## 2-Fer

How to Poop at Work 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it… We've all20kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. 

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall=2 0until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURD BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF: 

*The King Poop* This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Bang* The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise... 


NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING. POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS


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## FishMogul

2-Fer said:


> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
> 
> *The King Poop* This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
> 
> * Bali Belly Poop* You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
> 
> *Cement Block* You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
> 
> *Cork Poop* Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
> 
> *The Bungee Poop* The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
> 
> *The Crippler* The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
> 
> *The Chitty Bang* The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
> 
> *The Party Pooper* The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...
> 
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
> 
> QUIT LAUGHING. POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS


you left out the "Ice Burg" or also known as "the tickler" The kind of poop that fills up the bowl and sticks out the top of the water. usually requires an extra flush


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## shotgunwill

You also forgot the "clean drop"


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## stimmie78

Ghost poop is another forgotten one.


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## REPETER

We use a phrase, "bird head"...or "prairie dogging it", when there's "one in the chamber" that keeps trying to squeak out. :lol:


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## AF CYN

Even worse than the typical turd burglar is the spying turd burglar. You know, the one who peers at you through space in the stall. Yes, the door is locked and yes, there really is someone in here. 

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks.


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## Huge29

Larry the Cable Guy described the urge as a brown snake playing peekaboo with his bum just before he took the browns to the super bowl. 
I can't imagine being embarrassed going at work; it is the best, getting paid to take a duke it is great.


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## tuffluckdriller

Hahahahaha!!!! this about busted my gut!!!!!


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## redleg

A Sherley Temple got Larry Craig arrested.


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## .45

> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


2-Fer.......shortly after you posted this I was in Cabela's restroom one early Sunday morning, standing at the urinal and heard exactly as described. I couldn't control myself, I pee'd all over the urinal, I was laughing so hard. Other customer's kind of joined in and some looked at me like I was rude......but it was damned funny.


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## sawsman

FishMogul said:


> you left out the "Ice Burg" or also known as "the tickler" The kind of poop that fills up the bowl and sticks out the top of the water. usually requires an extra flush


Or a good push and shove with the plunger..

:lol: too funny!


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## idiot with a bow

I just thought of one... The "abortion"... Requires a coat hanger to get rid of it...


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## 2-Fer

Ok no joke I fight fire for a living and in these big fire camps they have those blue crappers. Well one day after coming in off the line one night I headed for the crapper and when I opened the door the dang thing was so full that it was poking out of the top of the hole _/O


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## FishMogul

2-Fer said:


> Ok no joke I fight fire for a living and in these big fire camps they have those blue crappers. Well one day after coming in off the line one night I headed for the crapper and when I opened the door the dang thing was so full that it was poking out of the top of the hole _/O


NICE _/O _/O _/O


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## NHS

2-Fer said:


> Ok no joke I fight fire for a living and in these big fire camps they have those blue crappers. Well one day after coming in off the line one night I headed for the crapper and when I opened the door the dang thing was so full that it was poking out of the top of the hole _/O


That is when you get yourself a nice sturdy stick and stir it down. The same thing happened to me once at scout camp....just be sure you don't confuse the poop stick with the marshmallow roasting stick.


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## addicted-hunter

Ok no joke I fight fire for a living and in these big fire camps they have those blue crappers. Well one day after coming in off the line one night I headed for the crapper and when I opened the door the dang thing was so full that it was poking out of the top of the hole

Also know as a "PooCano"


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## greatwhitehunter

This is by far my favorite subject besides hunting. There is so much humor packed into a turd! Theres nothing like hangin' a snake with the ole' turd cutter! There's also the "helicopter turd"- when you lay a stump in the toilet breech, flush it and all it does is spin over the hole. Those usually take a few flushes before they lose their integrity and fall victim to the hungry hole. Also the turds that stick up above the water line I like to call "dry docked" A dry docked log will usually hang on for dear life when the throne is flushed. It makes for some good entertainment as you wish it the best on it's inevitable journey to the poo plant. Also there is the turds that you have to stand up to push the rest out because your piled up too high. All this talk about poop has got me all geared up to head to the turd gobbler and lay some pipe!


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## flyfisher117

roflcopters this still makes me lol when i read it


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## JAT83

How true that is, I about died reading that...my stomach hurts and my eyes starting tearing up from laughing so hard. My coworkers are all probably thinking I am nuts right about now. If they only knew! Funny but true...I already walk around the office leaving gas trails :lol:


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## Rodz&Riflez

Poop and farts are just proof that God has a sense of humor :lol:


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## jason.little

You forgot the pooh known as "corn eye'd brown trout", eat some corn tonight and you will know what I mean by tomorrow. LOL


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## flyfisher117

dont forget the whole roll dump-No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.


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## younggun20

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


HAHAHA do it all time..


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## Yonni

LOL I haven't laughed so this hard in a long time, still at work and getting some weird looks from people walking by _(O)_


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## flyfisher117

*found another type of poop*

And there's another kind, *The Phantom*, a close relative of the Cork but very rare. I don't know if these are possible with the design of the toilet bowls you have in the US

With the Phantom your turd hits the water at precisely the right angle so it submarines and then bobs up in the rear half of the U-bend, out of sight. So you drop this eye-watering load and when you look down there's nothing there. Huh? ***!!? Is it possible that I imagined the whole experience?


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## greatwhitehunter

Wow! someone resurrected the poop thread! 

I thought I smelt something funny!

Since posting on this thread years ago, I have given birth to some amazing sewer snakes.

I am one to hold it in until I get to work. This accomplishes two things:

1. I get paid to crap.

2. I get that sense of accomplishment out of the way first thing in the morning. It makes the rest of the day a breeze because I've already labored for my pay.


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## Jedidiah

Huge29 said:


> I can't imagine being embarrassed going at work; it is the best, getting paid to take a duke it is great.


Exactly, what is this, ladies room talk? If I'm "working on a project" in "Team Room #2" and someone walks in and makes a gagging sound and then walks out I start laughing under my breath and it just helps things along. Also, I enjoy walking into a full bathroom and saying in my best vaudeville voice, "Looks like there isn't a single seat in the house!"

And you know what they say....if you're good at something, don't do it for free.


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## LostLouisianian

I think this is just a bunch of crap.

By the way, my wife passed by while I was reading the original post and saw me laughing with tears coming out my eyes...she wanted to know what was so funny so I told her...she didn't seem to understand the humor since she is having bowel issues right now.


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## bowgy

https://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=Amy5DQ5mffDr_xcwJSW.be6bvZx4?fr=yfp-t-252-s&toggle=1&fp=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&p=poopourri%20commercial


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